Why does it always come back?
Some days it's bearable. I manage to get out of bed and marginally into the world but it always comes flooding back. Washing over, pulling me under, covering my eyes, whispering my name, telling me I can't live without it, making my beard ache, smoking my last cigarette.
I succumb to my pain and hide under blankets as I return to the sadness of my retreat from light.
I don't know another way to do it; it's been in me so long that I just grew around it. We slowly became the same thing unable to escape one another.
An endless cycle, an endless battle, an endless crawl, towards an endless end which never arrives and I'm too cowardly to do it myself.
So where do I go and what do I do?
I scream and scream for help but my mouth never opens, it's wired shut, it’s clamped together, it's held by invisible hands too strong to fight against. I push and push against a wall that only I can see and they tell me I'm crazy when I know that I'm not.
I just can't piece together the right answer with the right question.
It's all in there, the key to the highway, the lock to the world, the voice of a dreamer, the arms of truth but it's surrounded in a coat of black too heavy to just take off.
It's not as easy as starting again, letting time heal, keeping my chin up, talking to "them", taking the pills, forgetting it all.
If it was easy I would’ve done it myself years ago and it would have never grown into this size. Towering over me, looking down at me, making my fists clench, making my teeth grind, scaring the life out of me.
So I hide under blankets and return to the sadness of my retreat from light.
Some days it's bearable. I manage to get out of bed and marginally into the world but it always comes flooding back. Washing over, pulling me under, covering my eyes, whispering my name, telling me I can't live without it, making my beard ache, smoking my last cigarette.
I succumb to my pain and hide under blankets as I return to the sadness of my retreat from light.
I don't know another way to do it; it's been in me so long that I just grew around it. We slowly became the same thing unable to escape one another.
An endless cycle, an endless battle, an endless crawl, towards an endless end which never arrives and I'm too cowardly to do it myself.
So where do I go and what do I do?
I scream and scream for help but my mouth never opens, it's wired shut, it’s clamped together, it's held by invisible hands too strong to fight against. I push and push against a wall that only I can see and they tell me I'm crazy when I know that I'm not.
I just can't piece together the right answer with the right question.
It's all in there, the key to the highway, the lock to the world, the voice of a dreamer, the arms of truth but it's surrounded in a coat of black too heavy to just take off.
It's not as easy as starting again, letting time heal, keeping my chin up, talking to "them", taking the pills, forgetting it all.
If it was easy I would’ve done it myself years ago and it would have never grown into this size. Towering over me, looking down at me, making my fists clench, making my teeth grind, scaring the life out of me.
So I hide under blankets and return to the sadness of my retreat from light.